I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
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