Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
Randomize
