I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
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