I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
threw up outside of the dorms in the parking lot in the pouring rain on the first day of class, i'd say summer is off to a good start.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
then I ended up getting a lapdance from my TA...I love college.
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
Randomize
