I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Randomize
