Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Randomize
