Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
Why. Ill be the rabbit if ull be the carrot.
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
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