Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Boobs are out for the taking
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
Randomize
