i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Randomize
