i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
Randomize
