oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
Operation Purity has been aborted
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
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