I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
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