Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Randomize
