You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
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