who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
Randomize
