totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
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