i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
He told me I took off my shirt, asked for the latino thunder and jumped on him. I want to question this but it sounds too much like me.
We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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