You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
