I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
Randomize
