if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
Randomize
