While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
Im going..... Drinking all day and hand jobs from 18yr old emo rich girls that are just trying to get back at mom and dad for being to protective...SOLD
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Randomize
