I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
