If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
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