Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Randomize
