The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
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