You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
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He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
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It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
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