Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Randomize
