Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
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But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
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You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
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