How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
doesn't he have a GF?
that just means you have to try harder.
i didn't have to try TOO hard, just told him i didn't want to know his name or...
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
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