you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
It's not just going to appear. A lot of blood, sweat, tears, and leg work went into finding a cock that amazing!
Randomize
