Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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