You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
Randomize
