You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
