I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Randomize
