It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
Randomize
