Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
love makes seman taste better
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
