i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
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I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
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I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
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