we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
We don't watch enough power rangers
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
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