'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Randomize
