Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
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