Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
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