I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Randomize
