went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
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