He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
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