he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
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