I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
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Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
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My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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