I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
So how Liz Lemon is this? I bring a boy home, we get in bed, and I realize there's a lean pocket wrapper in the sheets.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize
