well I can't set my house on fire every night
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
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