Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
Randomize
