I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
Randomize
