goodnight i made you a song goodbye
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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