he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
Randomize
