im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
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