tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
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