I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
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