It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
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