when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
Its about making memories worth repressing
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
We don't watch enough power rangers
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
Randomize
