Her vagina should come with caution tape.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
Randomize
